Wide Open Wallet
An honest look at family finances
Should you care how your parents spend their money?
Author: Ashley23 Oct
As you know, I just got back from spending a few days with my dad. My dad provides more blogging fodder than anyone I know.
My dad makes a good living. He owns a couple of profitable businesses and has worked very hard his whole life for what he has. I’m his only biological child. He got married about 9 years ago to a woman who had a 13 year old son (he’s 22 now).
My dad is fairly frugal, but my step mom always has the best most fanciest things. Name brand everything. Shoes, bags, belts, watches, sunglasses, cars, vacations, you name it. Ok, fine. Not how I would choose to spend money, but whatever. I know my dad pays all the living expenses and she works so all her money is spending money. I really don’t care how they handle their finances and if my dad wants his wife to have fancy things then so be it. It’s not my business.
I met my step brother’s wife for the first time this week. I couldn’t help but notice that she was also dripping in the best of the best of everything. Think Paris Hilton here, complete with little dog. Prada belt, Manolo Blanhnik shoes, diamond encrusted watch, brands I’ve never even heard of which I’m sure are expensive. I looked like I had just crawled out from under a bridge compared to her. I’m sure my entire outfit cost less than her haircut. So at one point I casually ask my dad what my step brother and wife do for a living. I already knew they lived with him. Know what they do? They are both unemployed. NICE. Come to find out that my step brother hasn’t even graduated from high school.
So that really irked me. Where’s my Prada belt? Where are my shopping sprees in Las Vegas? Where are my month long Hawaii vacations? Last year they (step brother and wife) went to L.A. for three months because they were going to become actors. Hahaha. Which my dad paid for, of course.
And these are not the only people my dad is supporting. He also supports my Grandma, Uncle, and a cousin, all of which are also unemployed. And I know he also sends regular money to his in laws. I’m assuming they don’t have jobs since they are probably in their 70’s.
So my dad supports at least 8 people (his wife, step son, daughter in law, mother, brother, niece, father in law, and mother in law). There may be more. I don’t know who lives with his mother and father in law. I think they have a son who lives with them so maybe throw him in there too (I know he doesn’t have a job, he’s disabled). But of those 8 people only 1 definitely has a job.
Honestly, supporting his in laws and even my grandma doesn’t bother me so much. But my step brother and his wife, my uncle and his daughter that does bother me. There is just no reason for it. No reason!
Here’s the hard part. I don’t want my dad to send me money. I’m not looking to get on his payroll. (Which is probably why I’m not on it) When my dad sends me money I appreciate it. But I don’t expect (or want) him to pay my bills. I want to be an adult and earn my own way. I want to own things I can afford. But it’s frustrating to have my dad helping out so many people and not be one of them. I would think I would have some bling before my step sister in law. You know? Maybe I could get some money before my loser uncle who is 50 years old and still living with his mom. I’m just sayin’.
I guess my question is when does it become your business how your fully functioning parent spends their money? When do you get to say “Hey, what the heck is going on here?” Do you ever get to say that? What good would it even do?
************************************************
I wrote the above post a few days ago but wanted to let it rest for awhile and see if I could get a fresh perspective on things. I don’t want to sound like a whiny ungrateful “b”. My dad does send me money on occasions like Christmas, birthdays, ect. Sometimes just out of the blue. I am very grateful for it and always put it to good use. He really has helped me out in lots of ways over my life. If I wanted fancy things I could certainly use the money he gives me to buy them.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I feel like people are taking advantage. I guess that’s what my problem is. People think he is just an endless supply of money and since he is so generous they just take and take and take, and it pisses me off. I don’t see why perfectly functioning adult should be being supported by his brother. Does that make sense? Why does a married 22 year old couple need to live off their parents? Because they can, that’s why.
Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this post consider subscribing!
Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.
Related posts:
Best of Wide Open Wallet
Blogroll
Archives
15 Responses for "Should you care how your parents spend their money?"
Ashley, it sounds a lot like my in-laws. My MIL is currently in Italy. Fabulous, have fun. But she brought along my unemployed SIL who lives in MILs house (MIL just moved out and into a condo) with her boyfriend who are both unemployed and supported by mom. 2 other SIL are also nearly fully supported by mom. Hubby gets a modest birthday check each year. I know in my heart it is because we don’t ask for anything. But I see what my sisters in law are doing as taking advantage of her and I feel like if we did ask, even though she’d happily say yes, we are grown adults and can take care of ourselves and not take advantage of her.
It’s so tricky and it is surely upsetting at times as well.
I feel your pain and don’t think you sound whiny. It’s just hard to watch.
Wow! Boundary issues - big time. Money is less the issue and more of a symptom of a lack of boundaries.
Send your dad the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Claus. I can’t say that I’ve read it, but it’s what Dave recommends whenever a call like this comes across, and he has a ton of good advice on this topic.
I’d say it would be difficult to impossible to ask about the money without coming off whinny, as you say.
[...] asks should you care how your parents spend their money? I think the issue is more being taken advantage of than spending [...]
My father gives my sisters money. I think he does it to keep them from moving in with him. My MIL and FIL give my husband’s brothers money. We have never receive any money in the 20 years since we have been married. The subject is never brought up for either of our families. But a few years back my FIL said that DH and I were waiting to get our money from them in our inheritance because we have never asked for anything.
Most recently my BIL asked my husbands parents to help pay for college for their son who just graduated high school. I don’t know if they did or not but when FIL asked how we were sending our son we told him it was taken care of with a scholarship. So maybe if we had needed it they would have given to us. I don’t know but I am glad that I don’t have to get money from our parents.
Ouch. Problem is it’s being taken advantage of. Wonder what happens when the gravy train ends?
Whoa! What happens when/if Dad is no longer able to provide or is unwilling to? Now they’ll turn to you. I believe that at all ages we should care about our parents’ funds or lack thereof. Remember, when the time comes, it could be you supporting them or them moving in with you. I’m starting a blog on raising our parents, as my 92-year old widowed father lives with me and my family. His money is his money and he doesn’t contribute one cent to the running of the house, yet he’s very free and easy with it when his 42-year old gold digging “girlfriend” wants something.
I pay his cell phone bill, yet the phone is glued to her ear all the time, and she’s been known to keep it overnight, and as he’s getting slightly forgetful in his old age, reports it lost or stolen because he didn’t realize she had it. I believe it’s our “right” to know and care because I feel at some point we’re going to be raising our parents in their old age. I don’t recall seeing the age of your Father, and if he’s got another 30 years of earning potential, then you’re probably not yet in the “I’m worried about this” mode. If on the other hand, he’s already 60 and looking to work maybe 10 more years max., in that amount of time, all the people he’s giving money to and “supporting,” could effectively wipe him out, and you could find him on your doorstep.
When/if that happens, talk about resentment! My Dad, while Mom was alive, moved from SoCal because a younger sibling living in NM was being evicted from a home being renting with their spouse. My parents sold the “family home,” moved to NM, bought the house my sibling lived in, PAID THEM RENT, then when Mom passed away and things soured between them, Dad showed up on my doorstep and now lives with me and mine. Because my sibling took advantage, and spent a great deal of their saved money, I don’t even get milk money (literally!), so I believe there’s an age “threshold” that you need to know or make so that it does become your business. Unless your Dad is a Gazillionaire, at some point, this could all be on your shoulders. I don’t know any of these people, but from what I read, my perception is that your kind, caring, thoughtful and unselfish Dad is being taken advantage of by many, and yes, that’s enough to PISS anybody off.
Good luck to you,
The gravy train is going to end, and everyone is going to get into a nasty dirty fight over who will get how much and what of the estate.
Your dad (sorry to say) is setting them all up to be crashing failures (esp your brother and his wife), and they`re going to come to you next (no doubt about it).
If you`ve read Millionaire Next Door, it`s all about your family members becoming Economic Out Patients
I wanted to say thanks to everyone who has responded so far. I haven’t been responding because I wanted to think about what everyone has said before writing back.
Emily: Yes it does sound like your MIL. I remember your post about her a few months ago. It’s frustrating.
NtJS: Boundary issues. I’ve never thought of it like that. My dad doesn’t want anyone to not like him, so he gives everyone whatever they want. He’s not that way in business, but in his personal life he is. That sounds like an interesting book.
AmberC: I used to think I was getting an inheritance, but lately I’m not so sure. At this point my dad doesn’t even have a will so I’m totally disinherited since his wife would automatically get everything and then if she died it would all go to her son. I would get nothing.
Pattie: Your story gave me nightmares! lol. OMG if my dad ends up broke and living with me I will be so mad. But how do you turn him away? You can’t. Yes talk about resentment!
Fabulously Broke: Anyone of them who comes to me for money is going to get a sad dose of reality. Not one of them would be able to guilt me into a dime. Maybe my step mom… maybe. Depending on the situation. But the rest of them? heck no! Besides I simply don’t have the resources to give them what they would want.
Wow, Ashley! Why doesn’t he have a will? THAT would be something I think you should talk to him about and the others involved in this should realize that means that the way things are going now isn’t going to last forever.
I have no idea what things will be like in hubby’s family when his mom passes away but I can’t imagine it will be pretty. I think it’s really sad to see people setting generations up for failure simply by being unable to set boundaries and rules.
I sure hope that your father wises up soon, but… it is his money and he’ll do what he wishes with it, right?
Ashley -
Boundaries are the real issue here. Step brother and wife moving in, giving a hand out to any and all comers, the lifestyle of the new wife. You know that it doesn’t line up with his core beliefs, but he just can’t tell them “NO”. He doesn’t know where to draw the line.
It’s a boundary problem that has the potential to become a money problem. Still not an easy one to broach.
It’s a hard subject to broach, but one possible way might be along the lines of “say dad, we’ve been doing some retirement planning and need some advice… what kind of investments/retirement accounts do you think are best?” and then move the conversation into the so when do you think you’ll retire/how long will your retirement funds last arena and that might open the door up to so what are step-brother/uncle, etc. going to do at that point. If he realizes that enabling everyone else is going to make his golden years harder it might make it easier for him to say no. He might not even realize the trouble he could potentially be in.
[...] Ashley from Wide Open Wallet presents Should you care how your parents spend their money? [...]
Wow. Unfortunately, it’s never okay to tell your dad how to spend his money. On the other hand, he definitely needs to have a will. That’s basic financial planning. I think FW’s suggestion on how to broach the subject is a good one.
heres a interesting story wondering what other people think. My mom passed away 13 years ago, my dad has a live in for the last 9 years. she told me she dosent want to get close to my children because she doesn’t know how long she is going to be around. This week she told be my dad is becoming forgetful and within 4 years will be in a nursing home and wants to know whats going to happen to Her. She wants it in writing. She also said she isn’t going to take care of him when he can’t wipe his own ass she is not doing it because She doesn’t have a ring on her finger. she has no money nothing and my dad isn’t rich but comfortable. all she does is complain how cheap he is all the time. She expects him to pay for her to take all these piano, painting, curves, pilates, sewing classes. she has taken trips to figi , florida every winter, horseback riding every year. planed a trip to europe but she didnt go on. Some are with my dad some not. She think she can cook like emeril and has to have the best. She always complains that my dad is cheap, she always wants to fix up the house when its not needed. Like the stove is white she wants almond. She never says anything kind about my dad and only bitches because he doesn’t spend enough money on what she wants. She doesn’t seem happy with him, I don’t think she likes him very much. I think this is what bothers me so much. And yes my dad is very thrifty. She took off to florida for the winter when my brother was sick and we didn’t know if he was gonna live or die, she said aint my kid and took off and didn’t call my dad for 10 days not even to let him know she made it there. I was upset. I asked her why she stays with my dad and she said she doesn’t have anyplace else to go. She doesn’t want to go to indiana and florida is to expensive she has no were else to go. recently she has gotten my dad to change his will, leaving her the house, car, truck, camper, his retirement money. He said its because she needs a place to live when he dies, and i told him she will sell the house and move. he said yea he thinks she will to. she takes off to indiana every holiday for the last 4 years or so. She told me she isnt staying here is Minnesota anymore for the winter and a friend of hers offered a place in texas to stay at but she hasnt told my father yet. my dad likes minnesota winters. I think she is only with him for what she can get from him. I told him what she told me and he confronted her and of course they think Im crazy, my children heard the whole conversation and think she is a bitch out for his money. So know Im wondering if I did the right thing be telling him that she is with him for his money. Im not the greedy one out for his money. so what do you think
Leave a reply